My Woman

My mom is my biggest influence, she got something that is indescribable that I admire it so much, was born under a family that still cling firmly to its culture, Javanese, my mom has been so genuine for me. 

She likes to dance a lot, I mean random dance when she hears music which she can dance to. I love it.   And I think it came down to me, because I love to dance a lot. And she has a lot of code of conduct for living in the family for her children. I love the fact that she holds on to it. Because of that, I feel more guarded. 

She is the one who supports me when I feel like in the down side of my life, she gives me things / advices that no one would, I will give you the example : 

• "If you feel stressed, go wash the dishes" What she means by that, when we wash the dishes it means we clean up the dirt, same we clean our soul from dirt. 
• "In the morning, at 8 till 9 am, absorb the energy from the sun." You know it is good for our skin and soul ahahah
• "After you woke up, immediately pray and be thankful to Allah." It is really, really, really day changer, when I speak within myself like, "Alhamdulillah, I am thankful to Allah for waking me up today, may this day be good and better than yesterday, and be happy." Then I sit, and starting the day with Bismillah, because if you start the day with a good mood it will lasts until the end of the day. 

She was there when I broke up, I was really really desperate back then, she is the one who lighted it up, I am thankful, even what she said was salty, but it is a medicine for me. 

Her voice calms me when I feel like I want to die, "No, it will be okay." That words from her feel like magic that gives me strength to live. She is the one who I hug everyday before school and transmigrating the energy between us. 

I am thankful to Allah for the best gift I ever got, my mom. I wish my mom happiness and longevity. I love you, Mamah.

Kamu itu Cantik

I have many thoughts within my mind, I think I should share it.

Back then when I was younger, I feel really really insecure about myself, my skin tone is darker than my siblings, I was always filthy, my nose is flat, my big brother told me that no man will like me. It was totally the worst feeling ever.

Have you ever experience it ? You must understand how I felt.

And I grew up with that mindset, that no man will like me. I was trapped with those words. 

Until came up to me the realization "Beauty is not something on the outer only, but also within". Because my mom always tell me something like that, "Beauty is within, if you can be happy with yourself, it will shines out of you, people will feel it, that is what you can call beautiful."

From that moment I try to change the way I think, I began to treat myself right, and always try to be  more positive about everything. I close both my ears for a talk that contains bad energy. I kept on focusing how to grow myself, into someone I really want to be. Someone who believe in the positivity of life. Someone who believe that everything is beautiful as it is.

I began to look up to people who I can feel the positivity inside them. I want to be like them, the people whom you just see and you can see something is glowing around her, their energy transmigrate to yourself. Have you ever met someone like that ?

Day by day, little by little, I changed the way I think, to look up in the bright side of what happened in my life. Have a little positive chit chat with myself in front of the mirror, dancing with myself everyday with my favorite music, having a notebook that I can pour out my thoughts, I call it "positivity book". I try to enjoy myself a little more, even when I in sorrow, I cry it out loud, say that I will be just fine, and smile! Pray to God, to make it easier. 

And everytime I feel uglier than other girls, I try to convince myself that I am not, because beauty is not a standard that owned by few people, but for me beauty is something that everyone has based on their uniqueness, everyone has their own uniqueness, that makes them different from others, so... I can not compare myself to others, I am me and you are you, we are different, but we are beautiful in our own way.

First I was just pretending, but then gradually I feel like I become it. More like, first you should force it but as time passing by you get usual, and you just adjust.

Now, I am more enjoyed about myself, I do take care of myself but I have principle that I don't want to change anything about myself, because it's Allah's gift for me that I should take care of it goodly. I love being natural. I like myself more day by day, I appreciate myself by letting myself feeling happy, feeling grateful with what I already have. Feeling beautiful about myself, well I think it is not narcissist but it is a privilege for every girl. Don't you think so ? 

And what I am doing right now is busying myself with activities that making myself grow, I don't really worry about a man that will come, like I used to, because back then I worried a lot about it, that no man will likes me, but you know what ? If someone ever spoke those words to you, believe me, that is not true. 

As long as you feel happy about yourself, and doing good things around, it is almost impossible that no one will likes you. If you haven't found that person yet, Allah knows best His servant, it is not because you are not pretty or such, but it is about time, and in this period of time I hope you fulfill this with activities that make you grow into a better person, I am myself also in that period of time, I wish us good luck!

My wish for you who are feeling unworthy, that you keep yourself in your support, and that insecurities won't make you feel small. We are greater that we think we are! I wish you find your own beauty and feel good about it without putting others, being happy even for now in your own, and support others to do so!

You are beautiful, if you don't feel the same way like I do right now, maybe you haven't found it yet, I hope you keep on finding that within yourself, beautiful.