Me and My Anxiety

I want to tell you a story about my anxiety that I had, back about two years ago, when I was in the 12th grade.

The story started when I had to accompany my sister, she went to Bandung for her university entrance examination, I wasn't planning to stay for one night, but I did. I was really fine before, totally but suddenly strange feelings came inside my mind when I was just sitting right next to my dad in the car,  something like "You gonna die in few days." came in to my mind. It scared me to death, and foolishly I did exaggeratedly react to that. I believed that. 

The feeling was so tiny and I accidentally made it big by searching through the internet about 'Signs a person is going to die'. I did search it and read the whole article. And I carelessly took it serious. I began to feel these signs, I had to check myself everyday, if I ever felt the signs, it was total crazy feeling mixed up. 

At first I was scared to tell my parents about those feelings, you know, to think about these crazy feeling was a total creep, to tell someone about that ? Ain't easy, I had to think, re-think, I kept questioning myself, "What if I told them, and after, I suddenly die ?" I didn't make it up, that was just what I thought at that time. But then my anxiety got more severe. 

There would be a time, I cried alone, my heart beat faster, and my mind kept on telling me that I would die, tonight, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and so on. It would get severe every friday, I was really afraid with friday. I was really really worried. I was not ready to die. I couldn't contain those feelings and thoughts alone, I thought it would be the best idea to tell my parents about that ( although I knew it was not easy thing to do at all ). I went for it anyway. 

They did listen to me, and they weren't denying, ( you know what I mean here right ? Because in some cases when people tell someone about how they're feeling, some people tend to deny it by saying, "How come you have that feeling ? Chin up!" You know, to be honest, we know we have to chin up, we thankful for the advice, but what we need the most actually a pair of ears to listen and understand, just that, don't you agree ? )  I am thankful for that. And they know they are not expert for that case so they suggest me to see a psychologist.

Day by day I had to face my anxiety, it kept on haunting me everyday, every hour, every minute of it. When I was about to pray, my mind told me "You gonna die when you do sujood." "You gonna die after this salah." Almost everyday I cried. When I was about to sleep, my mind told me, "This is your last sleep." And there was one day, I had to go to school with the feeling that haunted me, I didn't tell my friends about this, so no one knew, I carefully managed my expression, my mood, my fear, so no one would notice, the feeling that I had. And that day, I was totally scared, plus the subject that I had to face was the one I scared the most. I called my dad. I told him while I tried to hold back my tears "Yah, is there mom ? I want to talk to her, I am so scared. Mom, will I still alive after this ?" I didn't know exactly what was I thinking, "You will, don't worry, you're gonna be okay. Do you want to go home ?" "No, it's okay I will continue to study." The one that can take my worry away was my mom, her voice calms me down everyday, like it gives me strength  to live, it gave confidence to continue the day. And not long after that, I got call from my dad, he said he was downstair, right in my school, I was so surprised I didn't know that I made him worried that much, to think about that it touches my heart still.  "Do you want to go home ? I came here to pick you up." I did almost cry, saw him so worried about me, he understands me, "It's okay, I've talked with mom, I feel better." "I've scheduled you to see the psychologist." I hugged him, managed not to cry as hard as I could. I am super thankful. And I couldn't hold my tears when I did my prayer after the school ended. I cried quietly as I pray, but the feeling was so soothing. 

I did go to the psychologist, I told him everything, and he listened all the way. After I finished my story including the signs that I felt, he asked me things that made me think again, like flicking back my thoughts. And he said that the signs that I felt was a result of my anxiety, because I tend to believe that's true. It made me re-think and it calmed me down, I felt a bit happier. But it didn't last long, it would happen again the day after, I would worry about those think such, "You gonna die in 3 days." So I had to call him whenever I had this, heart beat faster, my hands was on sweat and cold, and it worried me so much that I cried, I was alone at home and he would tell me, to inhale-exhale, to tell him how I was feeling, he would calm me down by flicking back the way I saw things. I was alone at that time, no one around me, and from that I conclude I couldn't be left alone, because my mind would focus on what I fear, when I was alone. So yes, my family, especially my parents, won't left me alone. Also, there was a time I would stunned, I thought I already die, I would pinch hard my body, to awaken myself, that I could still feel the pinch, which by means I was still alive. I had to hurt myself to make sure that I was okay. That how bad it was. 

As time went by, my psychologist suggest me to get hypnotic, so that I could forget what I fear, but I denied it, I still believe that I could get through it without that kind of treatment. As I denied it, my mom told me to go to psychiatric, I did, I had to tell the doctor all the things, from the start, he listened, and he gave me medicine that I refuse to consume, because I was afraid that I would get addicted, and he told me that he has a friend that is an expert about this kind of thing, he said that I had to consume the medicine, then his friend would help me by bringing me closer to what I fear the most, such as, grave, ambulance, and such. By means, I had to conquer my fear, I have to be bigger than what I fear. That's the point that I got. He told me that method was once successful for his patient. But then again, I refused because I didn't want to consume the medicine, I still have that little confidence in me, that I can live peacefully without taking the medicine. Like there was still little faith in me that telling me "This shall pass, you have to be strong."

And there was a time, I think this was the worst of all things I ever experienced, at one night, came up to me a thought that it would be my last night in this life, I slept alone in my own room, but that night was hard to sleep, I couldn't even close my eyes a bit, because I was afraid when I close my eyes, it wouldn't open after that. And I decided to move to my parents' room, I had to knock because it was already locked, thankfully, my mom opened it, and I told them that I couldn't sleep, my heart beat faster, my hand on sweat, both my feet and hands were cold, it was hard to breath, my dad swiftly told me to sleep on their bed, and he stroking my head and hugged me, he whispered to me "It will be okay" and my mom brought me a water to calm me down, it was really late at night, and she messaged my feet, I cried, as it was really really hard to breath, I closed my eyes while my dad stroking my head, I told this to myself that day, "I surrender myself to Allah." and recited syahadat, thought it would be  the last night I would spend in this life. And I fell asleep. Alhamdulillah, I woke up in the morning. I am so thankful for both my parents. I love them so much. 

The feeling that you thought you wouldn't wake up  but Allah still gives you time to live, I am feeling  beyond grateful to wake up every morning. It's so precious to be alive. I appreciate life little more.

And lastly, my mom told me to go to internist, I know it doesn't relate, isn't it? But my mom told me that he is really wise and religious, and I took the advice, so I went to see the internist. My mom accompanied me, and she told the doctor about what I had been through, and the doctor listen, and he told me stories about his patients, "Many of my patients have a lot of things, money, wealth, and stuffs. But they seem so worried even they have it all, but when we die what we gonna bring ?  Money ? No. People tend to forget, that all we have to do is to be grateful, maybe you just forget about being grateful and surrender to God, try to be more grateful about the little things in life." And this doctor agree with me to not take the medicine, because he also believe in me that I would go through it. And suddenly at that time, I thought, this is what I have been looking for. I had confidence, and I could laugh freely at that time.  And the doctor told me to have a little move around my neck so I would get more relaxed, because you know, when I had to think and worried all those things, I think that my nerves wasn't relaxed. And I also had an itching on my skin, the doctor said that it was because of my anxiety, I forgot why it could be like that. 

And from that moment I try to be more grateful about everything, waking up in the morning, the fact that I still can breath, to see my family faces, I cherish every little thing in my life. When that fear came again, I try to have a faith and surrender myself to Allah. My life changed. 

And there was a time, I did my prayer, I forgot what time, but I think it was dhuha. I cried as I pray, and after that prayer, my self within me, asked me question, "What is your purpose in this life ?" And myself answered itself, "To be useful to the people." Bum! I felt like being reborn. I was kind of realized, that this thing happened to me for a reason. And I think, this is the reason. I felt like Allah wanted to remind me, for what reason I was here, in this world. To be useful the people. And I cried loudly thanking Allah for everything, I feel super blessed, beyond blessed. And from that moment I try to find a way to be useful. Started for the family, friends and the people. And that year, I started my first volunteering activity. And began to live my life fully, so then there'll be no regret, Inshaa Allah. Everyday I wake up with grateful heart, because I know when Allah gives me a day, Allah gives me a chance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So basically the reason why I write about this ( this is not an easy thing but there is something that push me to write it down to share it with you guys, and back then I was really scare to tell about this because I think it's not something that people should know but then again for some reason yep, I write it down ),  is because some people tend to underestimate mental illness, such as : clinical depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, etc. Like there was one day Korean singer committed suicide, some people reacted like "How can someone decide to die just because of a depression ?" I was like wow, how could you say that ?

Some people assuming that depression or etc, is because the way we think isn't right. But from my own experience, I can say, no it's not like that, it's way more than that, because if it says like that, we also don't want to think like that but deep inside our mind keep on talking like that.

It's so hard for someone with anxiety ( or any other mental illness ) to be open up about their situation, so when they do I hope we all, try to just listen and understand, even we can't understand just give them our open ears and arms, not denying like "You're exaggerating it." Maybe that's why some of us keep it to themselves. Because we're scared that some of the people we tell about it going to judge us even scared of us.

And the other reason why I write this, is because I want to acknowledge some of the people who have been through the same thing, that they are not alone and I believe in us we are greater than what we fear, Inshaa Allah. We will overcome it! Trust yourself and embrace it. Inshaa Allah. ( And I suggest you to be open up about this to your parents and the one you trust, and go to consultation, and if you are on that stage already, trust yourself, keep on praying and keep on being strong, the better days will come, I believe. You are the hero for yourself ). And my psychologist once said to me that there will be time I will be like this again, I am aware of it ( because there are the days my heart pounding hard and I can't do anything, but I am totally fine )  I am accepting myself for it by embracing it. Because,

I just discovered a good thing,

Please smile, it looks good on you :)